I'd rather lay right here

sometimes it's a smell
but most of the time it's a song

I'm not even in love with you but I love you
and I'm not even in pain over you
but it's painful
when I think of your face, your lips, your cold cold heart

It's like we put a lock on that fence
but I can't seem to make it to Paris
to dive to the bottom of that river and find the key to set myself free.

the last memory I have is you eating a stale muffin.  I was wearing black.  You peddled away.  I didn't cry that time.

I don't want that.  I want everything before that.  Those old plans for the future.  California.

must we always eat our own hands?

somewhere between life and dark
unsettling in the silence
like a hiccup
clanging symbols
an air horn

days like this I don't see anything.
all I wanted was a walk in the park
all I wanted was to linger
but I didn't really want it so here I am.

It's getting dark, it looks like rain.

frogs and toads

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life brings death

I remember the death rattle and everything that happened in that room before and after.

When I was a little girl, the wallpaper. The dress-up drawer, hiding in the closet, the opening and closing of a music box. The ouiji board, god it scared the shit out of me. Cold and wet from the swimming pool, dripping in the kitchen.  Popsicles.

Then the hospital bed, the red lipstick over parched lips. The morphine injections and the subsequent urgency to remove clothing, the sagging breasts. The face-lift scar. Gold, emeralds, diamonds on every finger and every toe. The light filtered through shutters over wrinkled skin. That prayer. The smell of lilies. Fingers over eyelids. A man carrying away a corpse.

(she moved in circles, and those circles moved)

the waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.
Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.
This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go


--Theodore Roethke

existing on nicotine and mexican border music.

in the kitchen there is a beetle on its back

ants in the honey

I'm wearing your cardigan.

it's late but early

picking dead skin off my feet

contemplating a toenail collection

the tea is fogging up my glasses the way you used to.

I love America

but when I say I love America, what I mean is I love New York.

FUCK PARADISE GIVE ME PIZZA

fool for the city.

goin' to the city, got you on my mind

country sure is pretty, I'll leave it all behind

this is my decision, I'm comin' home to stay this time.

I'm like a fish out of water, just a man in a hole

the city lights turn my blues into gold

I ain't no country boy, I'm just a homesick man

I'm gonna hit that grit just as fast as I can.

I'll get off on main st, step into the crowd

sidwalk under my feet, yeah, traffic's good and loud

when I see my inner city child I'll be walkin' on a cloud.

I'm tired of layin' back, hangin' around

I'm gonna catch that train, then I'll be city bound...

hands

the end of december

sitting on the back of a bus

from jersey

to new york city

watching the shifting landscapes of my life

through the icy window

and the snow

there are jungles and dirty apartments

basements and fist fights

births, deaths, moths

rain for days

the desert

the sowing of seeds

porch swings, empty bottles

goodbyes

high tides.

there is always a window.

you can sleep when you're dead

Eat my face. I want to give you every part of my soul. We can write it down in books. We can crave it like bad drugs and then we can write about it more over printed text and on postcards and overpriced letters. come here. undress me. read to me. sing to me. worship me. I need it.

don't think twice

lizard lists and prose stapled to memory or brain or beating bloody organ.

somewhere over the rainbow

joshmaupin.com

your own funeral

I always thought I wanted to live alone but this house is so big when I'm sitting here in the dark. More like a cage than a house. More like a box than a cage.